Where is that cat?!

Ah, the bus!

I really love taking the bus to work, to be honest, because it means I don't have to drive.  Driving gives me The Road Rage^TM.  I haven't been at my job quite a year yet, and I've read several books (Les Mis and the unabridged Lord of the rings) and learned how to knit.  It's one of my favorite job perks, oh, besides not being treated like an illiterate and/or retarded 12-year old.  But, I digress.

The commuter bus I ride is mostly used by other clean, well mannered professionals who also work downtown.  There are occasional wierdos, like the fidgety guy who sat next to me this morning and (I shit you not) shimmied his shoulders every three minutes.  There's the lady who looks like Rod Stewart after an extended crack binge.  And the overweight lady who expected me to hold her up when the bus driver decided to brake a lot one day.  But those are all stories for another time.

A couple of weeks ago, I left work a little early.  I like to put on my headphones, pull out my knitting, and just zone out and de-stress on my ride home, so I don't pay attention to much going on around me.  However, this particular afternoon, an older guy, about my height, sat next to me on the sideways bench seat in the center of the bus.

After he sat down, he looked toward the front of the bus (in my general direction) and then a second later there was this awful...  cat shit smell is the only way I can describe it. 

It took a couple of minutes for me to put it together that this horrible smell was this guy's breath.  I used to work at a place that treated its own wastewater, y'all.  This guy's breath was fucking NASTY.   I kinda had a headache that day and the smell made me want to puke, but I was able to hold it together for the ride home...

He sat next to me again on Thursday.  I hoped and prayed that the incident from a couple of weeks ago was not going to be repeated, that maybe he just had an empty stomach or something.

No.

Even worse this time.  I thought it was just me, but the older lady sitting across from me kept looking around quizzically, as if to say "what is that motherfucking SMELL?".  We eventually made eye contact, and I gestured with my eyes and a subtle head tilt to the guy next to me.  Her eyes grew wide and she had the same horrified expression on her face that I did.  Fortunately for her, she got off at the first bus stop.  I had another 5 minutes with this guy.

I wanted to ask him if he could stop breathing in my general direction.  And then he yawned...  I think I turned green because the guy sitting across from me gave me a strange look.  The thought of this guy trying to give me mouth to mouth if I passed out was enough impetus to keep me from appearing ill.  But, it may give me nightmares....

Then, much to my horror, it dawned on me that not only do this guys' poor coworkers have to suffer through this breath, but this mofo is MARRIED.  I cannot imagine what that must be like.  Maybe her olfactory cells died a painful death years ago and it doesn't bother her anymore.

I used to work with a guy in another office that had breath so bad, that you could smell it down the hall on occasion... but that was more of a stomach bile/puke smell and it tended to dissipate once he had something to eat.  But still.  These guys have no clue? Jesus Christ.

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Sidenote:  The funniest thing anyone has ever said to me to wake me up was after a night of partying in Vegas...  Actually, it was the night this picture was taken (that's my friend Amy and I during a long night at an Irish Pub in Vegas.  This picture is before we got insanely drunk and contemplated becoming band groupies...  Good times!)

One of the "girls" we went up there with called the morning we were leaving and woke me up with:
"Where is that cat?!"
"Huh?  What cat?"
"The cat that took a shit in my mouth!"

Maybe I should ask this guy to leave the poor cat at home...